Ve have all read ze fairy tales.  Ve all know ze stories vhere ze beautiful maiden or ze poor villager has ze problems, but zhen everything just sort of vorks out for ze best for zhem.  Vell, vonce upon ze time ze fairy tales vere not ze sugary clap of ze trap zhat zhey are today. No, zhey vere ze varnings of vhat might happen if vone acted like ze complete dummkopf und ze such. Vith zhis in mind, please come vith us on ze journey into ze deep dark voods to see vhat ze fairy tales are truly all about. Just look out for ze voodsman, zhat guy is cuckoo banana pants.

Benito can be found for sale at the following:

Ze Fairly Grim Tales will be available for sale soon.

Vonce upon ze time zhere vas a little girl who vas called ze Little Red Riding Hood.  Zhis vas of course not her Christian name, but vhat she vas called by her mama und her papa, because she insisted on always vearing ze red riding hood, vhich vas kind of dummkopf because her family did not even have ze horse, being poor peasants in sixteenth century Germany und all.  Seriously, vhen zhey plowed ze fields ze mama had to pull ze heavy arsch plow herself.  But you know how children can be, always screaming mama und papa I vant something silly, und mama or papa in ze end giving in because sometimes it is just easier zhan dealing vith such scheisse.

Okee dokey, vone day ze peddler came to ze house of ze Little Red Riding Hood, as he often did, but zhis time he brought ze sad news indeed. 

“Dear Herr Frauenschlager,” he said, Frauenschlager of course being ze name of ze Little Red Riding Hood’s papa, “I have just come from your mama’s house und I am afraid she is very sick.”

“Mein mama?” asked ze Little Red Riding Hood’s papa.

“Ya,” answered ze peddler vith a great deal of patience, him being used to dealing vith ze common people who vere all pretty dummkopf, vhat vith zhere being none of ze public schools at ze time.

“She is sick?” asked ze Little Red Riding Hood’s mama.

“Ya Frau Frauenschlager,” answered ze peddler. 

“Oh dear,” responded ze Little Red Riding Hood’s papa.

“Poor voman,” said ze Little Red Riding Hood’s mama.

“Ya,” answered ze peddler.

Zhis vent on zhis vay for quite ze bit of time, but vonce ze peddler had gone, ze Little Red Riding Hood’s mama came to a decision zhat something vould have to be done.

“Poor voman,” she said to her herr, “sick und all alone.  I vill have to make up ze basket of goodies to take to her at vonce.”

“Vait a moment,” answered ze Little Red Riding Hood’s papa, “how can ve plow ze fields if you are gone?  Ve must plant ze turnips post haste.”

“Ze turnips can vait,” answered his frau, “but your sweet mama cannot.”

“Nonsense,” answered ze Little Red Riding Hood’s papa, “ve shall send ze Little Red Riding Hood to bring ze basket of goodies to mein mama.”

“Ze Little Red Riding Hood!” exclaimed ze Little Red Riding Hood’s mama.  “But she is ze little girl und vould have to go through ze deep dark voods vhich is full of ze hungry hungry volves.”

“Zhis is sixteenth century Germany,” answered ze Little Red Riding Hood’s papa, “roving mercenaries kill you if you vorship ze God slightly vrong, zhere is ze plague vhich makes you puke blood, und ze burgermeister rapes us vhenver he pleases.  I do not think volves are really ze biggest issue here.”

“Ya, zhat is fair,” answered ze Little Red Riding Hood’s mama, “ve shall send ze Little Red Riding Hood.”

So it vas zhat ze Little Red Riding Hood vas given ze basket vith ze oh so delicious goodies und instructed on how to get to ze house of her grandmama, for she had never been zhere before.

“Go straight zhere,” advised ze papa.

“Do not talk to ze strangers,” advised ze mama.

“Use your head,” declared ze papa.

“Und vatch out for zhat rapey burgermeister,” cried ze mama.

“Of course, of course,” answered ze Little Red Riding Hood, “I vill be fine.”  Zhen vithout a backwards glance, skipped off into ze deep dark voods on her vay to ze grandmama’s house on ze other side.

Vell, she vas probably only about halfway zhere vhen who should see her skipping along, but ze big bad volf, who had ze deep dark hole vhere his tummy should be.  Hmmm…. he said to himself.  Here comes a tasty morsel vith a basket full of delicious goodies upon vhich I might partake.  Vith zhat in mind he came down to ze path to meet ze skipping little girl.

“Guten tag fraulein Riding Hood,” said ze big bad volf, sweet as could be.  “Vhere are you off to on zhis beautiful day?”

“Are you ze burgermeister?” asked ze Little Red Riding Hood.

“Nein,” answered ze big bad volf, “I am ze volf.”

“Okee dokey zhen” answered ze Little Red Riding Hood, “I am off to grandmama’s house vith zhis basket of ze delicious goodies because she is so very sick.”

“How sweet,” answered ze big bad volf, giving her his sweetest toothy smile.  “Hopefully you are going to bring her some flowers as vell.”

“Flowers?” asked ze Little Red Riding Hood.

“Old ladies love ze flowers,” replied ze big bad volf.  “Zhere is ze meadow ahead just a little bit off of ze path.” 

“Oh danke,” said ze Little Red Riding Hood.  “You have been most kind Herr Volf.”

Ze big bad volf bowed deeply in response, but vhen he rose back up he had an even vider toothy grin on his long face. 

“You know,” said ze big bad volf vith a knowing vink, “it is customary to reward zhose who do us good is it not?”

At zhis ze Little Red Riding Hood smiled bashfully at ze volf.  “Are you saying you vant a taste of mein delicious treats?” she asked oh so very nicely.

“Ya,” said ze big bad volf.

“Okee dokey,” responded ze Little Red Riding Hood, opening up ze lid of ze basket und holding it out towards ze volf.

Vell, I do not have to tell you zhat ze big bad volf vas salivating heavily as he stuck his long schnozz into ze basket, but as soon he took ze first whiff of ze delicious goodies, ze Little Red Riding Hood snapped ze lid down oh so hard on his schnozz und zhen hit him over ze head several times vith ze giant big summer sausage. 

“You dirty fotze!” yelled ze big bad volf, but already ze Little Red Riding Hood vas skipping away towards ze meadow, oblivious to ze vorld around her.

Zhat dummkopf little mistuck groused ze big bad volf.  I vill play ze dirty trick on her und see how she likes it.  Und so vith zhat he ran full speed to ze grandmama’s house vhere he jumped in ze vindow und devoured ze old voman right zhere in her bed.  Chomp chomp chomp yum yum yum.  Zhen, after cleaning up ze mess, he put on her pajamas und climbed into ze bed und vaited for ze Little Red Riding Hood to arrive.  Vell, he had vait much longer zhan expected, because as everyone knows, little children can get into all sorts of mischief vhen given ze simple task, but eventually he heard ze Little Red Riding Hood skipping und singing down ze path to ze front door of ze grandmama’s house vith ze basket of goodies und a handful of ze crumpled flowers. 

“Now zhat little fotze vill get hers,” laughed ze volf.

Vhen ze Little Red Riding Hood arrived at ze door, she rang ze bell vith ze loud clang clang clang.

“Come in,” said ze big bad volf, using his sweetest falsetto voice.

Clang clang clang vent ze bell, so hard it fell off ze door und into ze mud.

“I said come in,” yelled ze big bad volf.

Zhis time ze door opened, und into ze house came ze Little Red Riding Hood, not even bothering to wipe her oh so dirty feet.

“Guten tag,” grandmama called ze Little Red Riding Hood, “boy do you ever look so very very sick.”

Now for a moment ve need to pause, for if any of ze rest is going to make sense, it needs to be said zhat not only had ze Little Red Riding Hood never met her grandmama before, but she vas also pretty dummkopf, even vhen compared to ignorance of ze general population of ze time.  Okee dokey zhen, vith zhat in mind, let us keep ze story going.

“Mein vhat big ears you have,” called out ze Little Red Riding Hood from by ze door, not really vanting to get too close vhat vith ze terrible plagues und ze such vhich vere so common back zhen.

“Ze better to hear you vith mein dear,” answered ze big bad volf.  “But come closer, for mein ears are quite deaf.”

Ze Little Red Riding Hood took a couple steps into ze house. 

“Vhat big eyes you have grandmama,” she said.

“Ze better to see you vith mein dear, “answered ze big bad volf.  “But come closer please, for mein eyes are quite blind.”

Ze Little Red Riding Hood took a few more steps, coming up to ze end of ze bed for ze house vas quite small.

“Vhat big hairy arms you have grandmama,” she said.

“Ze better to hug you vith mein dear, “answered ze big bad volf.  “But come closer mein dear, for zhey are very veak.”

Ze Little Red Riding Hood came around ze bed, right up next to vhat she believed vas her grandmama. 

“Vhat very big und sharp teeth you have,” she said.

Ze big bad volf gave her ze uber big toothy grin, und vhen he spoke next, he spoke vith his natural deep oh so sexy voice rather zhen ze falsetto voice he had been using.

“Ze better to eat you vith mein dear,” he boomed.

Und vith zhat, he lunged forward, ready to devour ze stunned little girl.  However, at zhat very moment, a burly voodsman vith ze cuckoo banana pants eyes kicked in ze door, much to ze shock of ze Little Red Riding Hood und ze big bad volf, und vithout a vord ran forward into ze house und hacked ze grandmama, who vas of course really ze big bad volf, into ze tiny little pieces vith his large axe.  Vhack, vhack, vhack, vhack.  Oh, zhere vas blood everywhere, und ze Little Red Riding Hood, who vas completely covered in it, vas screaming oh so very loud, so much so zhat everyone in ze nearby village came running to ze house of ze grandmama to see vhat vas ze matter.

“Vhat is it!” zhey yelled as zhey pushed into ze house.

“Mein grandmama!” screamed ze Little Red Riding Hood.

“Looks like ze big bad volf to me,” called out vone of ze villagers.

“Oh how lucky,” yelled another.  “Oh how very lucky zhat ze voodsman killed ze big bad volf in time.”

“Ze big bad volf?” asked ze blood covered voodsman, somewhat in ze daze.

“Ya,” said ze villagers, “ze big bad volf zhat you somehow knew vas disguised as ze grandmama und also somehow knew vas about to eat ze Little Red Riding Hood.”

Ze voodsman looked at ze hacked up body of ze volf, zhen at ze bloody axe, und zhen at ze villagers.

“Ya,” he said, really stretching out ze vord.  “Zhat is exactly vhat happened.  Very lucky indeed.”

Ze End